One-Day 'Say No' Retreat Targets Dreaded Plans

The exercise appears in Sylge’s book, published this spring. NPR News reported that Sylge, who has spent the last 30 years attending and organizing health and wellness retreats around the world, developed the exercise to help people reclaim their time. The article describes the retreat as a way to make room for matters that count as the holidays approach, after weeks of obligations and tasks have filled calendars.

Sylge said people often agree to plans for reasons unrelated to their own interests. “We often say yes for reasons that have nothing to do with what's good for us, because we feel like we should, don't want to seem difficult or fear missing out,” she said, according to NPR News. “Saying 'no' is uncomfortable, but is a brave act of self-respect.”

The suggested schedule begins before the retreat day. Participants pick a day on the calendar, which may mean calling out of work or moving obligations, and find a comfortable place at home for reflection. On waking, they make a list of things they want to say no to, naming anything obvious they do not want to do, such as coordinating a large potluck for a book club or making a complicated dish for a Saturday dinner party.

After breakfast, the plan calls for getting into nature, perhaps by taking a bike ride or a walk, to think about the list. Participants then return to the retreat space and add to the list by reviewing upcoming days, weeks and months. Sylge writes that they can look at a digital calendar if needed but should turn off notifications. The review covers requests, appointments, volunteer work, scheduled phone calls, work and social commitments, and memberships. The article suggests asking whether anything planned is dreaded, or whether tasks were self-assigned even though they do not have to be done or are not wanted.

Examples in the article include a time-consuming hair appointment, hosting a playdate at home, traveling to spend Thanksgiving with a husband’s family or moderating a panel discussion for a work event. Participants can jot down notes and, if they wish, reasons for saying no. After lunch, the afternoon is for reviewing the list and taking action. Sylge said people probably will not get to all the nos in one day but can choose a small, easy win, such as crossing off the task of planting tulip bulbs and instead enjoying a neighbor’s tulips next spring.

The article also addresses harder refusals involving people one cares about or works with. Instead of saying no outright, Sylge suggests delaying a yes, for example by asking, “I'd love to, but can we plan it for a few weeks later?” Alternatives can also be offered, such as ordering takeout instead of cooking for friends. Sylge said “crafting a kind decline” takes effort but saves time in the long run, according to NPR News.

Editor's Summary

A one-day “say no” retreat described by Caroline Sylge asks people to set aside time to list and then decline dreaded obligations. The exercise is presented as a way to reclaim time before the holidays, with practical steps for delaying or renegotiating commitments.