Parenting Coach Says Six Early Lessons Matter More Than Achievement

Raouda is a certified conscious parenting coach, speaker and author, and founder of The Safe Mom and creator of The Safe Mom Masterclass, according to the article.

The first lesson is that failure should not change how a parent sees a child. Raouda wrote that children notice a parent’s face when a grade comes back and whether a parent seems prouder after a win and more distant after a loss. “A child should be able to fail without feeling they have fallen in your eyes,” she wrote. Instead of asking “Why didn’t you study more?” she suggested saying “I know you wanted a different result. How are you feeling about it?” When children know a bad result will not change how they are seen, she wrote, they do not have to be so afraid of getting things wrong.

The second lesson concerns other people’s disappointment. Raouda wrote that if being “good” means pleasing others, a child may start to treat someone else’s disappointment as proof of wrongdoing and learn to read the room before reading themselves. She suggested parents tell a child: “Someone else can be disappointed in your choice, and it can still be the right choice for you.” The child needs to know that a parent can disagree and the child can still trust themselves, she wrote, adding that this matters later with friends, partners and bosses.

The third lesson is to avoid making achievement a child’s identity. Raouda wrote that even positive labels such as “You’re so smart,” “You’re our athlete” or “You’re the responsible one” can feel like pressure. A child may hear that this is who they have to keep being, so a B is no longer just a B and being cut from a team is no longer just disappointing. Instead of making the achievement the identity, she suggested noticing what went into it, for example: “You kept going even when that got difficult.” Separating what children accomplish from who they are gives them room to become more than what they are good at today, she wrote.

The fourth lesson is that children need to disagree sometimes and find the relationship still intact. Raouda wrote that this does not mean children make every decision; parents can hold a boundary and stay connected. She offered the wording: “You’re allowed to be angry with my decision. The answer is still no, and we’re still okay.” A child should not have to choose between having a voice and feeling close to a parent, she wrote. If a child feels they must give up their voice to stay connected at home, saying no can become harder elsewhere too.

The fifth lesson is to resist the instinct to fix every uncomfortable feeling. Raouda wrote that parents often reassure, distract or tell children everything will be fine, but sometimes children need something simpler: “This is hard. I’m here.” Children can learn that feeling bad does not mean something has gone wrong, she wrote. They can be embarrassed and get through it, or nervous and still walk into the room. Staying beside them, rather than rescuing them from every uncomfortable feeling, can help them discover that they can handle it.

The sixth lesson is that home should answer a different question from the outside world. Raouda wrote that children already live in a world that measures grades, teams, rankings, likes, college admissions, job offers and performance reviews. The outside world will keep asking what they can do, she wrote, and home should answer with an emphatic yes to whether they still matter when there is nothing to celebrate. She suggested saying directly: “I love watching you succeed. But you never have to impress me to belong here.” Achievement should add to a child’s life and should never become the only reason they feel worthy, she wrote.