Psychologist Lists Eight Signs of a Resilient, Emotionally Mature Child

Gibson has more than 30 years of psychotherapy experience. She is the author of "How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child" and of the New York Times bestseller "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." In the article she describes emotional maturity as children getting better at dealing with their own feelings, with other people and with the outside world. Those who develop it, she writes, become adaptable adults who can solve problems, hold satisfying long-term relationships and engage in meaningful work, with a parent's patience, attention and affection providing the support for that outcome.

She points to vitality as one marker. Emotionally maturing children are enthusiastic about their interests, play in an immersive and creative way and seek out positive experiences. That energy can tire a parent out, she acknowledges, but it sustains momentum in adult life. Her advice is to listen to children's ideas even when permission is later refused, so that they learn they can share ideas without having them dismissed.

A growing sense of self is another sign. As children become aware of their inner experience, that self-awareness turns into empathy and respect for other points of view. Gibson says the mechanism is simple: children learn to be interested in other people's feelings when adults take an interest in theirs.

Children who are maturing are not afraid to stand up for themselves or to say what they think, she writes, and at the same time they can cooperate when they are offered some choice and explanation. Parents support that by honoring a child's right to speak up even when the decision will not change, and by showing how disagreements can be worked out respectfully.

Feeling safe enough to show a vulnerable side is a further sign. Children who see a parent as someone they can share deeper feelings with will turn to that parent for affection and comfort, including teenagers, provided their autonomy and privacy are respected. Gibson advises taking children's feelings seriously rather than minimizing or invalidating their experience.

As they mature, children handle difficult feelings without falling apart or blaming others, and their tolerance for stress and capacity for patience improves. They know why they are upset and at whom, but generally avoid being mean or rude, learning to object without attacking. Gibson writes that confidence that a parent will listen to their side of the story reduces the need for children to act out or become passive aggressive.

Curiosity and goal-setting are also part of the picture. Children who follow their own interests may enjoy playing, making things, collecting things and planning projects, and they experiment with their own ideas for solving problems without fearing mistakes along the way. Gibson says parents who are presented with grand schemes are probably mentoring their children's creativity and self-confidence, and that even when demands for independence go too far and limits are needed, the confidence itself is a gain.

Emotionally maturing children begin to grasp life's complexity, noticing cause and effect and anticipating possible ramifications and extenuating circumstances, so that life is no longer black and white. Their more nuanced thinking gives them an intuitive ability to change and adapt. Gibson suggests parents share their own thought processes and encourage children to imagine different outcomes, making it enjoyable to look at things from several angles.

Gibson, who has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Guardian and on "The Oprah Podcast," "The Mel Robbins Podcast" and "10% Happier with Dan Harris," drew the eight signs from her clinical practice and presented them with accompanying guidance for parents.