Reshaping Difficult Memories May Help Raise Self-Esteem, Psychologist Says

Franco said the approach draws on memory reconsolidation theory, based on the work of behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader. "It's about looking back at these memories, giving yourself catharsis and allowing those feelings to move through you more so they don't continue to shape your sense of self right now," she said.

She also said memories are not merely records of the past. "The thing about memories is they don't just record the past, they predict the future," Franco said. When a person returns to a memory and imagines an adult self intervening with reassurance—"You're safe, I care about you and I'm never going to leave you"—the experience can be transformative, she said. That can lead to higher self-esteem, fewer symptoms of trauma and changes in the hippocampus, the part of the brain where memories are stored, according to Franco.

In her book, Franco explains a memory reconsolidation exercise called reparenting. It asks a person, as their current self, to provide reassurance to their younger self as a way to work through a troubling past event. Franco shared an example from her own life: a memory of being a child whose mother showed up late to soccer practice. She was one of the only kids of color on the team, and when she returns to that memory, she said, she can viscerally feel the shame, embarrassment and sense of being different from everyone else.

In the exercise, Franco pictures her current self arriving before her mother gets there. Adult Franco looks excited to see younger Franco, hugs her and says, "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that I get to pick you up. Even though your mom is late, she loves you." The exercise, she said, allows her to see the good in the world and not evaluate things based on the negativity eclipsing everything good about it. It makes her feel more valued, more enthusiastic, less afraid and bolder.

Franco said low self-esteem can disrupt a person's ability to internalize positive experiences. "All the beauties of life slip off of you when you have lower self-esteem," she said. "You can experience great success and still feel like a failure. You can find great love and still feel unlovable. So your ability to internalize the good is disrupted by your own sense of self." If people are able to feel good about themselves, she said, they are able to receive all the good happening in their lives more deeply.

The NPR News article also noted that critical self-talk—such as telling yourself "You're an idiot" or "You're weak" when you feel emotions—may signal a struggle with self-worth. Franco defines self-worth as feeling good about yourself and "treating your emotions like they matter." She says the good news is that self-worth can be learned and improved.