Therapist Offers 3 Ways for Parents to Stay Calm in Stressful Moments

"When I feel dysregulated [as a parent], so often what I'm desperate for is space. Just give me a moment," Freitas, a mother of three, told NPR. She said she hears the same thing from clients, many of them struggling mothers. That space matters, she said, because it allows parents to calibrate their emotions so they can show up better for themselves and their families. She pointed to the U.S. Surgeon General's 2024 advisory, which reported that today's parents put more time into child care and work than they did two decades ago.

Freitas walked through three common situations and how to handle them. In the first, a parent is already stressed in the morning: an older child is late for school, a younger one needs a diaper change and the keys cannot be found. Freitas said she often places a hand on her chest in such moments, because "that's always where that urgency and that dysregulation lives in me." The gesture is a quick cue to herself and to her children that it is time to take a beat, and she uses the pause for slow, intentional breaths with extended exhales to reset her nervous system. Once past the moment, she said, a parent can gather information about what set it off. "Anger can show up as a protector emotion when underneath we might feel overwhelmed or unheard," she said, adding that reflecting on the real source of the anger — such as worrying about being judged for a late drop-off — can lead to better choices later.

In the second situation, a parent wants to attend a work happy hour that falls on the only night available for a child's bedtime. Freitas suggests asking how you would advise your best friend in the same position. Parents often struggle to make room for themselves even when they need it, she said, and guilt should be questioned rather than allowed to drive the decision. "Emotions are data messengers," she said, and guilt's job is to signal that something is out of alignment with a person's values — which may or may not be true in a given case. Making time for friendships, she said, might be something a parent wants to model for their children, and protecting that time may make them a better, more connected parent. The grace given to a friend, she said, should also be given to oneself.

In the third, a parent is one task away from finishing a to-do list when the children will not give a minute of peace, and then loses their temper and feels like the worst parent in the world. Freitas said every parent will lose their cool at some point and that this is acceptable. Children, she said, are also learning to manage big feelings and are building relationships that will need repairing, so it matters that they see how their parents do it. She advised leveling with a child in an age-appropriate way and explaining that the outburst had little to do with their actions, and said taking time to acknowledge a hard moment and own up to mistakes can create room for connection and compassion. "Kids love that," Freitas said. "They want to see you as a human being. They want to know you." Knowing that a mother makes mistakes and learns from them, she said, can make it easier for children to do the same. "Repair is the most powerful tool in our parenting belt," she said.